To break up with someone is not as easy as “It is over.” It is a much more complicated and nuanced process than the films lead us to believe. Although breaking up is hard, it is a necessary evil at times.
At the beginning of the relationship, you feel fantastic and easy, but when you have to break up, it is hard to do even when you are the one calling it off.
It takes audacity to stand before someone you once loved to tell them that is over.
Maybe that’s why ghosting is so prevalent and widespread, considering that most of the relationship is digital, it is easier for someone to vanish from your life with just one click.
However, society and tradition hold that you owe it to your ex-partner to break things off in person. I know this is challenging even for the bravest of us; read on to find out how you can successfully and respectfully break up.
Why do people break up?
People break up for various reasons. No two breakups are the same, just as no two relationships are the same.
Therefore, the reason why you are breaking up may not necessarily be mine. But generally speaking, below are the main reasons most couples break up.
1. One of the pair has fallen in love with someone else
Sometimes people break up because they have found someone else. When you have fallen in love with someone else, you owe it to your partner to be honest about your feelings. Even though it will hurt, they will appreciate your honesty.
2. One of the partners has fallen out of love.
It would be best if you never stayed in a loveless relationship. You don’t have to stick it out when you are no longer enjoying your marriage.
3. One or both partners were never in love all along.
Some relationships begin on a shaky foundation; the partners decided to date each for the wrong reasons. When you are dating someone you don’t genuinely love, it is challenging both of you.
4. Someone cheated
Very few couples can survive infidelity, but their relationship will never be the same again, even if they do.
Some partners can make long-distance relationships work. The majority of us cannot. “Out of sight is out of mind.” When your partner is miles away, your relationship becomes restrained.
6. Influence from family and friends.
Not that we ought to always listen to our family and friends, but sometimes when all your friends and family hate your partner, we shouldn’t stay with your partner. There is something that you might have love blind to see that everyone else can.
7. The pair just wasn’t right for each other.
Sometimes you are good people who were not suitable for each other, and that’s ok. Maybe the timing is off, or something just wasn’t right.
8. Different sexual drives.
Being on different sexual wavelengths is frustrating and can put pressure on any relationship. If the root-cause (s) problem remains unresolved, a breakup will ensue.
9. Varying radical lifestyle choices, beliefs, and ideologies
Varying religious, political, and, in some cases, interests can cause a breakup.
To be 100% sure your relationship failed, you need to be honest with yourself then take a retrospective look at your relationship.
How do you know when it is the time to break up?
The feelings caused by romantic love are so strong that they can influence you to stay in an unhealthy, and ultimately unhappy, generally unrewarding relationship. Whether you admit to it or not.
The endorphins secreted in the bloodstream when you are in love make you feel good. Going by the good feeling is as though the hormones were leading you, which will have detrimental impacts on your judgment.
The way these chemicals make you feel could make you overlook and ignore logical cues like leaving an unsatisfying toxic relationship. While you are high on the love hormone, you may not realize when you have had enough and need to move on.
Below are signs to look out for that tell you that it’s about time you broke up.
1. Your partner isn’t meeting all your needs any longer.
It would be unrealistic to expect your partner to meet all your needs, but some essential ones like companionship, he/she should be able to meet. Isn’t that the reason you are in a relationship in the first place?
2. When you are looking outside for the fulfillment that your relationship is not giving you
When you start looking to the side for the sexual or emotional satisfaction that your relationship isn’t giving you, it is a sign that your relationship is not working anymore. It is time to pack your bags.
3. Your friends and family all don’t like your partner or your relationship.
All the people that love you wish the best for you; when all of them do not like your partner, it is a sign that you should listen to them; there has to be something that you are missing.
4. Your relationship isn’t improving even when you have been working on it for some time.
I know you have invested a lot in the relationship. But if your relationship isn’t improving even though you have been working on it for like a year. Take the hint; it is probably not meant to be.
5. Your partner is abusive.
Many people stay in abusive relationships under the notion that he/she (their partner) will change. No, they never change. Leave the relationship while you still can.
When you notice any of the signs above, realize that even good things come to an end, you began the relationship on a good note, but sadly, now it has to end.
What to say when breaking up with someone
I understand why you would be dumbfounded when it comes to breaking up. You are conflicted between coming off stern without sounding rude and insensitive and coming off as understanding but not too much to encourage your partner that you might still be open to fixing the relationship.
You may still care about your partner, but you also know that the relationship is going nowhere. Here are a few suggestions to lighten the burden.
1. Let your partner know that you have something important to tell them.
Tell them before-hand that you need to have a conversation with them; however, please don’t use the cliché “we need to talk” line because your partner’s defenses go up immediately.
Instead, say something like;
‘There is something important I want to talk to you about, do you have a moment on day X at time X?’
2. Take your partner to a secluded and quiet place. You don’t want any distractions.
Break up with our partner in secret. A public breakup hurts more than it should because it makes your partner feel ashamed besides the separation. Also, secluded environments do not have as many distractions as ordinary places.
3. Be precise, straightforward forward, and honest.
Beating around the bush will make the other person irritated and impatient. Don’t start with the reasons why to break up. Start by saying, “I want to break up.” Please do not drag it out; the sooner you can get done with, the better.
4. Give a genuine and straightforward reason as to why you are breaking up.
After telling your partner that you want to break up, you can now give reasons that they better be genuine and honest by all that is holy. Please do not try to make it sound better, but letting it out the way you feel is better and more efficient.
Let your partner respond in their way to the shock from the breakup and do not interrupt them. Just listen empathetically and sympathetically. Do not absorb the negativity from their pain but acknowledge it.
6. Be ready for any reaction.
Your partner may become silent, violent, and pushy or promise to change. At this moment, you must use only your brain because your heart is deceptive and may lead you to make amends.
Be ready for any reaction and make sure you have an escape just if the violence gets out of hand.
7. Give your partner space.
Don’t expect your partner to be ok with it immediately, don’t even expect an answer after you have said you came to and done all needed to give your partner physical and emotional space to process what happened.
I hope you won’t be dumbfounded any more when it comes to what to say to break up.
Dos and Don’ts of breaking up with someone
It is easy to be misread by your partner when you are breaking up. Follow these Dos and Don’ts to avoid being misrepresented and misunderstood.
1. Be precise and sensitive.
2. Be open and truthful.
3. Do it in private.
4. Give your partner space to process the information.
5. Mean what you say
6. Be empathetic
1. Don’t sugarcoat the truth
2. Do not attack your partner.
3. Don’t avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have.
4. Please don’t rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You may say things you regret.
5. Don’t be disrespectful.
6. Don’t criticize; the general thumb rule is to refrain from using ‘you’ and use ‘I’ instead.
How to break up with someone
There is no easy way for your partner that you want to break up. It is expedient, though, that you do it the right way. Dragging out breakups makes them worse because unlike other things you ignore, this won’t go away, and no, it won’t solve itself.
Follow the steps below to learn how to break up with someone.
Before you have the conversation, ask yourself why you’re not satisfied.
Sometimes the reason you’re giving a relationship is weak. It is better to make sure that you are leaving for the right reasons. I know that sometimes you may be tired of the relationship, but why enough to break up? Aren’t you petty?
When you find out why you want out, it simplifies the entire breakup process.
Don’t drag it out.
Breakups don’t fix themselves; if you want to break up with someone, you had better tell them right away. Waiting will only make it harder and more painful for the two of you.
Remember to be kind.
When I was younger, I thought that breakups had to be brutal. You have to gather your gang while your partner does the same, and on the day of the separation, when the two squads meet, the winner is the one who hurls the most insults. Oh, how wrong I was!
You don’t have to burn bridges and hate your ex. It is better to take the high road. Be kind and empathetic when you are at it.
Avoid focusing on what you think your partner did wrong.
Now is not the time to blame anyone. If your partner made you feel misunderstood, don’t say, “The problem with you is that you don’t hear” instead say, “I can’t seem to communicate with you effectively.”
- Or “You don’t have time for me” instead say, “I don’t see as much I want to.”
- Use ‘I’ not ‘you.’
Skip clichés like “it’s not you, it’s me.
Say what you feel, as raw and as hurtful as you think it sounds; clichés will only make it more painful. Say exactly how you feel, in your own words.
Your partner will respect the effort.
Desist from false promises.
Don’t promise to be there for them when you don’t intend to. “I hope we can work it out” when you do not want to. Only say what you mean. Empty promises hurt. Don’t add to the pain of leaving by lying.
Advice on how to break up with someone in some various unique situations and conditions.
Aforementioned, no two breakups are the same. Different technicalities and circumstances surround the split. Below is a list of the most common scenarios and how to cope with each.
How to break up with someone you still love?
Love is a beautiful but difficult thing. When you are in love, you feel invincible; you can climb Mount Everest, swim across the ocean, even distance has nothing on passion.
On the downside, love also blinds you and makes it tempting to stay in relationships that might not be right for you.
Maybe you’re taking a job across the country, or your partner wants kids, and you don’t, or you just realized that you’re better off as friends.
Whatever the reason, ending things when you still care deeply about your partner is no easy task.
Nonetheless, sometimes it is the only thing you have to do. For instance, when your partner is abusive, and you are worried about your safety.
If you must break up with someone that you love, remember to do it quickly as soon as you decide to; otherwise, you might never get around to doing anything.
If he left you just like that, you have an alternative to bring back lost lover with this spell.
How to break up with someone who loves you?
Ending even a casual no strings attached relationship is stressful. How much more is it to break up a serious relationship?
Worse if love is involved, which can make you want to hide your face forever. When someone loves you, breaking up with them will cause you to feel guilty and ashamed. Sadly sometimes you can’t sit on the fence forever; you have to break up.
Going about the breakup with someone who loves you is to be as gentle and honest as possible.
It will hurt your partner, no doubt, but honesty goes a long way in soothing pain.
How to break up with someone nicely (without hurting the person)?
When a relationship ends, everybody hurts. Most notably, the partner who’s been broken up with experiences the sudden shock and loss of the relationship’s end.
But the one doing the breaking up isn’t immune to pain, either. To reduce the hurt on both parties, you must end the relationship as gently as possible.
The thought of hurting someone you care about can be daunting, but sometimes it’s unavoidable.
It may be impossible to get through a breakup without hurting your partner, but there are a few clear choices you can make to mitigate this pain.
Try to be kind and empathetic; being rude and mean to your partner during a breakup is old fashioned and downright disrespectful.
How to break up with someone over text?
As far as breakups are concerned, there’s nothing more infuriating and demeaning than getting broken up with over text.
It feels like your partner is taking the easy way out. You may also think that you didn’t mean much to your partner.
It leaves you with basically no sense of closure, making it super difficult to move on. Sending a breakup text is considered a dating no-no.
But if you must break up over text, for the love of God, make it long. Yes, that’s the only way you won’t come off as a complete jerk.
Otherwise, please don’t even bother to break up via text or email…
How to break up with someone who doesn’t want to break up?
Love is funny. Who you love doesn’t love you, but who loves you, you don’t love back. Crazy, right?
And you’re not alone; plenty of people are in love with people who don’t and may never love them back. It’s sad, but it’s true.
The best way to break up with someone who doesn’t want to break up, either because they love you or are just obsessed, is to fade out slowly.
The abrupt “we are done,” “I can’t do this anymore,” will not cut it here. You need to grow cold over time until your partner just gives in. I know it is selfish, but what options do you have?
I know it doesn’t sound right but, neither does having a crazy ex who won’t leave. Somebody’s gotta do what somebody has to do.
But it needs to be done for both of you. Otherwise, you’ll end up miserable.
What’s the best way to breakup?
How to break up with someone over a long distance?
Breaking up is never fun even when it’s the right thing to do; it still isn’t easy. Breaking up in person is one thing. But when it’s time to make a long-distance breakup, it’s even more problematic, sadly.
Principally, it’s best to break up with someone in person. You both get to say what you need to say, and hopefully, start to find closure together.
In comparison, when you’re in a long-distance relationship, that’s not always possible. It might be weeks or months until you see each other again in person. And in that case, wait for the inevitable? It is bound to happen, why not get it done.
If you can’t wait and must end it, the most decent way is to do it via call or skype or Facetime. Something personal and more relatable. Please don’t break up via text.
How to break up with someone you live with?
Breakups are tough to handle on their own. No matter the conditions, but when you’re breaking up with someone, you share a home, that’s 100 levels tougher!
When you live with your partner, your lives tend to become intertwined. So, by ending such a relationship, things become complicated because you are not only breaking up, but you also need to make new living arrangements.
How to break up with a toxic and (or) emotionally damaged person?
It might be time to be concerned about your relationship when mental illness symptoms are getting in the way of your day to day life.
You can unquestionably be in a healthy relationship with someone who has a mental illness but keep an eye out for when things get unhealthy. Be sure that your safety isn’t compromised.
Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, says, “Some of the tell-tale signs we see in an unhealthy relationship where mental health issues are present are: Violence (verbal, physical, or sexual), inability to control emotions, hallucinations, disrespect, lack of remorse or empathy for people or animals, and narcissistic behaviors.”
How to break up with someone for no reason?
Sometimes, things just don’t go as we planned. When you’re trying to figure out how to break up with someone when nothing was wrong with the relationship, you may find yourself trying to find a justifiable cause.
It sounds too random to dump somebody without an explanation, particularly when you have feelings. But we all know, there is never a reason. Sometimes, the real reason is too painful to admit to your partner, so you would instead not acknowledge it.
In your head, you might think that this person should be perfect for you; in your heart of hearts, you know that they aren’t right.
When you’re about to break up with someone, you need to listen to what your intuition is telling you. You probably know, deep down, why this isn’t right.
If you know why they aren’t right for you, but you don’t want to hurt them, you don’t have to tell them what was wrong. You don’t want to be vague in your terms, but you also don’t want someone to feel like they would have ended up with you if they did something different.
If you care for this person, you know that it’s not about who they are and how you work together. You can say, “It’s not you; it’s not me — it’s both of us.”
Breakups are challenging because they are similar to death. The loss during the separation is tremendous for both couples.
That is the reason they are difficult. When you are used to something/ someone, your self-preservation will try to keep things as usual by resisting the change; it is a scary moment.
Like a fear of the unknown, you don’t know what is coming next and what to expect.
Missing your ex is a normal thing that happens to almost everyone. Whether you should reach out to your ex or not depends on different factors;
1. Your relationship after the breakup. Whether it is cordial or sour, it is in your best interest to move on and not contact them if it is the latter.
2. The reason that you broke up. When you broke up for cardinal reasons like toxicity in your relationship, do not dare to reach out, you may be webbed back in.
If it was your fault that the breakup happened, you could be blaming yourself and feeling guilty. The first step to finding healing is to forgive yourself and realize that you can’t turn back the hands of time. Accept mistakes. Adjust what is in your power. Advance.
I want to say no because being friends with someone you were once involved with is not easy. But if you can handle it, I don’t see why not.
There will always be that regret of leaving your ex because what if you made a mistake and were your soul mate. Because you can’t know this for sure,
Regret is usual, so don’t beat yourself out, but before you reach out to remember these two things;
You may be lucky, and your ex was also considering reaching out, or your ex not yet ready to reach out, so they could resent you.
While breakups are challenging, they are a necessary evil. With the above, I hope you won’t fret the next time you must separate from someone.
Mama Nkima is college graduate who ended up a spiritual guide. Graduated to become a teacher but calling never gave up no matter how I tried to run.
I teach and guide about relationships, but i also learn about a lot of relationship issues from my clients. I love to share that knowledge with others.
I share mostly knowledge about marital infidelity, Husband Mistress affairs, Cheating Husbands affairs and more.